Movie review: 'Baywatch' exists to prove we will watch anything with Dwayne Johnson

“Baywatch.”
No, that’s not a complete sentence, but let’s think about that for a minute. They made a movie based on that lifeguard TV show and you’re currently reading a review for it.
How can that be? For both of the above points, I find myself scratching my head.
But here we are. There is a movie called “Baywatch,” and here you are reading about it.
Look — I’m just going to level with you. You don’t need to read this review. If you’ve seen the trailers you’ve seen the movie. Just stretch out the Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron bromance for 120 minutes and throw in some beautiful women in tight clothing and several penis shots/jokes and you’ve got it.
If you’re waiting for the bit where I break this out into easy to read sections that cover the premise and high-level categories, it’s not going to happen. I mean, I’ll speak to it. You’re still reading for crying out loud, so why not? But really, go spend time with your kids or write your grandparents a thank you letter.
You’re doing this, huh?
Fine — Matt Brody (Efron) is a washed up Olympian who doesn’t play well with others.  After horking in the pool during an Olympic team event, he’s sent to Baywatch in an effort to… restore his good name? I’m not really sure, but it doesn’t have to make sense because Kelly Rohrbach is often scantly clad and walking across the beach in slow motion.
Buchannon takes the whole lifeguard thing way too seriously and believes it’s his responsibility to keep his beach safe on matter what. That’s why when drugs start washing up on shore he recruits his team to investigate.
They do, hilarity ensues, and “Baywatch” (spoiler alerts) saves the day (end spoiler alert).
The movie overall is pretty terrible, but you know that. What you may be wondering is do the jokes land and they can. If you’re really tired or high or so desperate for a “21 Jump Street” sequel that you’ll take the generic Seth Gordon version, then sure, it can be funny. But that is all there is to see here – and I say that knowing some people somewhere are wondering if bikinis justify the price of admission.
So to wrap this thing up let’s just say the marketing material is enough. If you’re looking for bikinis, the trailer and poster have you covered. If you’re looking for a few good jokes, they’re in that same trailer.
“Baywatch” will be on Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime before you know it and right after you finish watching it on your favorite streaming service you’ll forget you saw it. So forget about it until then, watch it if you must, and then forget about it again. Until that time, go check out any of my streaming lists for better options concerning how to spend your time.